SATIRE: Valentines Day shorts

Tire Fire reporters hitting on the heavy topics surrounding the holiday of love


Single sophomore eats three heart-shaped pizzas from Jet’s

Lonely Ferris nursing junior Chamille Cartison capitalized on Jet’s popular heart-shaped pizza deal centered around the holiday by eating three of the festive pies by herself.

Cartison was unable to speak through sobs for much of the interview, but managed a few words on the motive behind her depressing binge.

“I love pizza and nobody loves me so this was a logical conclusion,” Cartison said. 

At press time, Cartison was seen trying and failing to hook up with the pizza delivery driver who had brought her fourth heart-shaped pizza to her door.


Single men on Tinder reach new heights of desperation

Single Ferris students are taking a whole new approach to the dating app Tinder as desperation for affection peaks on Valentine’s Day. 

“Before I’d take it slow. You know, try to get to know the girl for five or ten minutes before sending a dick pic, but not on Valentine’s Day. Girls want full-tilt in your face romance on V-Day, so they’re getting hit with a picture of my junk right off the bat,” Ferris professional golf management sophomore Clyde Dubblis said. 

At press time, Dubblis had yet to find a match, despite developing carpal tunnel from swiping right on every female from Big Rapids to Yougstown, Ohio. 


Big Rapids couple deciding between The Rock and Quad Cafe for V-Day dinner

With so many robust choices in affordable, quality dining establishments in Big Rapids one Ferris couple is having a tough time deciding on a dinner destination.

Ferris music industry management sophomore Sierra Slapshtick and her significant other Ferris biochemistry freshman Kylie Pustule both have gold meal plans in Ferris’ dining system.

“I’m thinking we’ll go to the Quad since it’s a little farther away from our residence halls. That’ll make it feel more special. Plus, then we can share one plate of pasta and recreate that scene from ‘Lady and the Tramp.’ Well, that’s if we can find an empty table,” Pustule said. 

The couple is also hoping to take advantage of their Bulldog Bucks to buy a box of candy hearts and popcorn. 

“Kylie is so romantic. She’s always doing whatever she can to make me happy. This Valentine’s Day dinner will totally be my best one ever and I can’t wait to post all about it on Facebook,” Slapshtick said.