SATIRE: Shooters’ facelift

Blackout drunk students oblivious to bar’s pricy renovations

Ferris night life saw a facelift over the last several weeks as Star Shooters on South Michigan Avenue invested thousands of dollars to renovate the bar, dance floor and sign outside the building.

Shooter’s debuted the renovations last Friday, Feb. 17, to a packed house by offering half off drinks to students of legal age all night.

“Yeah, y’know, it does look kind of -urp- different. It’s like, they’ve got two of everything now. It’s all in double,” said Ferris pre-optometry junior Sarah Longshortner.

Longshortner refused to accept the fact that she was the only one seeing double due to the copious volume of vodka cranberry she had consumed that night, and was unresponsive to further questioning.

“I haven’t really noticed any renovations, but I did notice that they cleaned up all the vomit on the dance floor. So I guess that counts, right? Oh, wait. Spoke to soon. Yep, that girl over there is yakking on the floor right now. Sick,” said Ferris education sophomore Clyde Stingelbaum.

“Few people know that this was actually a wine bar when it first opened. We played classical music and served only the finest wines to the classiest people. Then the students arrived and, well, this happened. They just kept coming. They just kept drinking and grinding. They’ve ruined my vision,” said Shooter’s founder and current manager Joel Wilsocks.