SATIRE: 5 Spring Break destinations for a tight budget

1. Your parents’ house
Where are some pretty serious perks here. You won’t have to see your younger siblings because they have a normal spring break that isn’t during the first week of March, your parents will be working for 90 percent of it, so you’ll have lots of quality time with your dog, and you’ll get to catch up with all those people you graduated with that insist upon talking to you while they bag your groceries at the supermarket. Get pumped to accidentally run into your ex from ninth grade! #springbreak2k17

2. Your dorm
Ever heard of a staycation? Enjoy the peace and quiet of dorm life with everybody off campus. Watch trashy cable TV and appreciate the lack of pornographic sounds that normally come from next door.

3. Friend’s off-campus apartment
Take a break from dorm life and try living in squalor for a week. You’ll have the opportunity to try every flavor of ramen while simultaneously living in a perpetual state of being drunk and stoned. Have fun and try not to leave too many bong-burns on the carpet.

4. Road trip with your friends
If you’re willing to endanger the life of your already-rusty 2001 Chevy Malibu, and spend a bunch of your money gradually instead of all at once, this is the option for you. Bring some friends along, you’ll really bond over the inevitable motion-sickness and rootlessness of your endeavor. Don’t bring anyone you’re too close with though. By the time you’re done, you’ll hate literally everybody that was in the car.

5. The big city
If you think you’re ready to brave the streets of a metropolitan hub, shoot on up to Reed City for the week. Be warned though, it’s everything your mother warned you about. Keep one hand on your wallet and the other on your mace. No telling what shady characters lurk in the alleys of this urban monster.