SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

“I’m considering changing my major to PGM but I’m not sure if it’s the right things to do. I love golf and I’m good enough to make a career out of it, but is it worth it? Help, Woodbridge.” 
– Golf Guy Gary

I think the best thing to do in this situation would be to simply weigh the pros and cons.

On the upside, you can be making six figures with benefits by the time you’re 30. You’ll also most likely get free golf wherever you’re working, which is cool.

On the other hand, your job description will essentially be “professional ass-kisser” and you’re selling your soul to the rich white man to make a buck. Beyond that, pretty much every other student on campus thinks your major is a joke.

But if you are comfortable losing the respect of your peers, disappointing your parents and making a career out of a leisure activity, then slip on the khakis and pastel polo my friend and go nuts.

Teaching an old man that wears a Rolex and drives a Lexus how to swing a club is pretty much the same thing as saving a life anyway, right?
– Woodbridge


“I’m trying to convince my mom to let me live off campus next year, but she thinks it will corrupt me. What can I say to make her be okay with it?”
– Off-campus Ollie

This can be a tough one. Parents like the idea of their child staying in the safe little bubble that is campus, even if it means them paying twice as much for living expenses and delving further into the pit that is student debt.

Your best bet is to assure her you won’t be doing anything off campus that you weren’t already doing on campus. Regale her with your stories of unprotected one-night stands, beer bongs and nights of drunkenly wandering around campus. Show her the video of you and your suitemate successfully hot-boxing your bathroom last semester.

If she knows about your trick to not get caught smoking in the dorms, you’re golden. How could she possibly question your ability to be responsible then?                                     
– Woodbridge


“You suck.”
– Hateful Heath

Your tuition is being increased 350 percent and your mother is a cow.                       
– Woodbridge