SATIRE: How to build the perfect Tinder profile

1. Make sure that all of your photos include several other people so that potential hookups have no idea that you’re the ugly one. The hotter your surrounding cast it, the better.

2. Include your height and penis length, but exaggerate at least three extra inches on both figures. It’ll add an element of surprise both when the person first sees you and in the unlikely event that you make it to the bedroom.

3. Include the goals of your Tinder experience. Are you cruising for tail, looking to get back at an ex or searching for a soulmate? There’s no use looking for love if all your matches are just looking for a booty call. And remember, revenge on an ex-boyfriend is a dick best served cold.

4. Sport a mullet. Bitches love mullets.

5. Be 16, but lie about your age. You’re in the clear from a legal standpoint (though your new partner may not be) unless you’re hookup is doing the same thing and is even younger than you.

6. Nothing says romance like the carcass of a dead animal in your photos. If you’ve ever slain an innocent animal then make sure to pose with it for a profile picture or two. The more blood and gore, the better.

7. Use the puppy or flower crown Snapchat filter to hide the fact that you’re actually hideous.

8. Fill your bio with as many pickup lines as Google can provide. At least one has to work, right?

9. Definitely mention your astrology sign. That’s not a red flag at all. It makes all the difference in the world that you’re a Gemini, which obviously means that you and every other person on the planet born between May 21 and June 20 are a fiery personality and not very trusting.

10. Talk about your interests, like hiking, painting and hardcore anal sex.