SATIRE: Zamboni artist seeks purpose in life after end of hockey season

Bulldogs everywhere were disheartened to see the Ferris hockey season come to an end, but no one was as devastated as former zamboni driver and Ferris criminal justice senior Ted Kalkaska.
 “Now that he doesn’t get to drive the zamboni, he just walks around his living room in circles. He does like, 30 laps and acts like he’s pumping the water and everything. At first it was kind of cute, but now it’s just really sad,” Kalkaska’s girlfriend and Ferris secondary education junior Lori Jordyn said.
 At press time, Kalkaska was seen crying into a quart of chocolate ice cream while using his spoon to smooth the surface, as if it were an ice rink.