SATIRE: Horror-scopes

Aries: March 21-April 19
You’ll be on the receiving end of some March Madness when a deranged convict escapes from prison and makes your skin into a lampshade, but worse yet, your NCAA basketball bracket will be completely busted.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
You and your soul mate will find joy in the little things. Like your dick. 

Gemini: May 21-June 20
The stars are willing you to dance like nobody’s watching. Yep, right in front of that window. Mmmm, just like that…

Cancer: June 21-July 22
Every 14 seconds somebody’s mom masturbates. Yours is due any minute now.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
Stop. Go clear your internet browser history now. Don’t ask why, just do it. Trust the celestial bodies.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
The stars predict that we’re all totally sick of hearing about your Spring Break trip, Katie!

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
Your next dental appointment will take a sharp left turn when the dentist accidentally pulls out all of your teeth and replaces them with live gerbils without administering anesthesia.

Sagittarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
Get that lump checked out. I know it’s embarrassing, but early detection is the difference between life and death, damn it.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
You’re the friend that everyone in your group of friends talks about behind your back. It’s time to exact revenge.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Give up and shave the moustache. It doesn’t look sophisticated, it’s just gross. Yes, the stars are talking to you too, ladies.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
You’ll achieve Snapchat fame when your nudes are directed to your story instead of your friend with benefits.