SATIRE: Exposed female shoulders distracting male students in class

Illustration by: Merv Bervins

As the temperature rises, male attentiveness in class has plummeted as a result of exposed female shoulders and ankles.

“There’s this girl named Stacy who sits in the front row of my physics class,” said Ferris plastics engineering sophomore Nathaniel Damonson. “Now that spring is here, she’s been wearing tank tops and even sundresses. I could see her collarbone the other day for God’s sake. How is anyone is supposed to focus on Newton’s laws under these conditions?”

Damonson is not the only male student trying in vain to resist his primal urges when he sees a bare female shoulder in class. According to a poll conducted by the Tire Fire, 81 percent of male Ferris students become slack-jawed and salivate when exposed to any part of the female form.

It seems that the sooner Ferris administrators realize that all males are sex-crazed savages provoked by even a hint of skin, the sooner Ferris men will be able to return their focus to their studies.

“I get it. I really do. When Mrs. Eisler throws on a sundress or something for a family barbecue, my mind goes blank and I can’t help but stare,” said Ferris State President David Eisler. “Still, we are not considering implementing a more strict dress code. If women were prohibited from wearing tank tops, men would be, too, and I’m not willing to compromise letting the guns out when the sun is out on my campus, damn it.” 

At press time, a lecture hall full of males were seen staring with mouths agape at a female student who walked in late wearing open-toed shoes.