SATIRE: To catch a pothead

Smokers caught in traps set by Ferris’ Department of Public Safety


Ferris’ Department of Public Safety was prepared this year as Mary Jane came knocking on their doorsteps in grand fashion. Officers were armed with stacks of ammo as they prepared for undercover sting operations throughout the community to trap unsuspecting smokers.

“We had an arsenal of baked goods at our disposal. We set out a pack of Mountain Dew, video games, potato chips and a beanbag chair. All we had to do was wait,” said Ferris Department of Public Safety Director Bruce Borkovich. 

Operations were carried out across campus. Law enforcement had an abundance of luck outside of Vandercook Hall.

Officers snagged Ferris secondary education freshman Francis Cone walking back to his dorm. He was decked out in hemp themed clothing, blaring Pink Floyd from a portable speaker.

“We knew right away he was high. I think you’d have to be to sing that badly,” Borkovich said.

“I didn’t think anyone noticed me, man. I saw the sweet setup outside the hall and thought that summer had come early. I mean, the smell of those doughnuts were criminal. I couldn’t say no,” Cone said.

Cone was wearing an air freshener as a necklace to mask the smell of his activities and offered a hit of his stash to officers when he delved into the potato chips out in the open.

He was referred to the Office of Student Conduct after being caught and taken away so that the sting could continue.

“Next year, we’re hoping to incorporate more traps in the area. All we need are snacks hidden under boxes propped up by sticks to lure students off the beaten path. It really isn’t complicated with stoners,” Borkovich said.