SATIRE: CLACS makes budget cuts

The CLACS office budget now decreased to $200 million


The Center for Leadership, Activities and Career Services (CLACS) has suffered a significant budget cut for the 2017-18 school year.

Director of the CLACS office, Carmine Amarillo, has announced that the CLACS budget will be cut from $210 million to just $200 million.

“It is very unfortunate,” Amarillo said. “We will now only be able to host three events per day. In the past we have held five or six.”

The budget cuts were announced after Ferris leadership noticed a pattern of frivolous spending.

Dr. Simon Bunder was a key player in the decision after noticing a $30,000 bill for teddy bear stuffing. Bunder is a long standing Ferris State board member.

“I love Build-a-Bear just as much as the next guy, but the CLACS office should be spending its money on more important things such as hosting crafting nights, karaoke bashes or giving away low-grade condoms. That is why people attend college,” Bunder said.

The schedule for next year’s CLACS events has been announced and some students are upset about the cutdown of events.

“There are only 46 opportunites to paint a coffee mug next year. That is bullshit,” one anonymous student said.

To compensate for the $10 million decrease in discretionary funds, the CLACS office plans to cut leadership opportunities and career services.

“We can’t forget what is most important. That is why we are no longer offering career services for students or leadership skill training. Next year, we are changing our name to the Center for Activity Time (CAT),” Bunder said.