Two Ferris lovers are taking full advantage of the new sexual liberties college affords them on surfaces already stained by the same pursuits of countless other students.
Incoming Ferris freshmen Brett Udallis and Trina Willoughby have been dating for just over four months now and will be living across the hall from each other in Puterbaugh Hall this year
“We’re so excited to get out from under our parents’ thumbs and finally be able to explore each other’s bodies in ways that you just can’t in the back of my dad’s Honda Civic or that one time at Bobby Reno’s house party,” Uddalis said. “We’re gonna do sex on every surface of that dorm room.”
What Uddalis doesn’t realize is that he’s far from the first occupant to strive for this same goal.
Puterbaugh Hall resident adviser Brandon Holijanski has seen his fair share of atrocities in the dorms, most notably to him the continued usage of the word “Dorm,” despite the Ferris’ Housing Department’s contempt for the word. Still, nothing stacks up to the horrors uncovered by a blacklight scan of the couple’s new room.
“Bodily fluid stains like sweat, saliva or semen—even when dried after years of neglect and a lack of adequate cleaning—can fluoresce under blacklight. It’s how investigators can turn up evidence at a crime scene or how officers can tell who’s been whacking it in the squad cars on stakeouts,” Ferris criminal justice professor Brock Clementine said.
The scan of the room revealed a perfectly clean, unstained living space to the inexperienced eye. However, upon further inspection, it was found that there was a uniform layer of lust stains covering all surfaces on the room and no spot had gone untarnished.
“I haven’t seen this much spilled baby gravy since this past summer’s soccer camp for thirteen-year-old boys in Merill/Travis Hall. It was an absolute white out. No wonder they’re shutting down that place,” Holijanski said.
At press time, the couple was overheard discussing exciting new sex positions they’d like to try in the dorm beyond their typical “missionary” and “hand stuff” standbys.