SATIRE: Seven ways to survive the coming nuclear war

With talks of North Korea’s nuclear weapons program escalating, Ferris students are left wondering about the most effective means of dealing with a nuclear blast and the ensuing fallout. Read on below to hear advice from the Tire Fire’s top researchers.


Run willingly into the loving embrace of instant death

Doesn’t getting vaporized sound way better than having the skin melt off your face as you creep towards a slow, painful death due to radiation exposure? Or starvation? Or falling victim to cannibalism as viable resources dwindle?


Take cover under the nearest copy of the Tire Fire

We’ve done our readers a service by printing all our issues with lead-based ink. Those liberals out in California may denounce regular lead exposure as dangerous, but that hippie rag The San Francisco Chronicle won’t do a damn thing to protect against radiation. So you’re welcome.


Reject your hedonistic western values and accept the blessing that is your Supreme Leader

North Korea is lovely this time of year and the most oppressive, isolating government on the planet will surely welcome any turncoats with open arms.


Befriend the mole people and adapt to life underground

Ferris’ student body is wonderfully diverse, evidenced by the fact that 12 percent of students are actually blind, subterranean mole people. Keep your eyes peeled during your next lecture for any fellow students bumping into walls and eating worms. If you can get in tight enough to stay underground with them, you’ll be safe but they’re like, super clique-y.


Move out to the sticks

Big Rapids is unquestionably a booming metropolis, so it makes sense that Ferris State University would be near the top of a list of targets for North Korean missiles. Students would be way better off bugging out into a more rural area like… Evart? Maybe?


A misleading, ultimately disappointing entry

Ugh. Every online listicle has one of these. Y’know, the one entry that’s teased in the sub-headline that you have to click through, like, 45 slideshow pictures to reach? It’s always a letdown and not at all worth the time investment. Can we please all stop clicking on listicles so they can die off? I mean, you guys are so worried about nuclear warfare, but you don’t see that the apocalypse has already arrived. Listicles are killing us all.


Hope that you develop super powers

Bruce Banner can become the Hulk thanks to gamma radiation, right? Maybe you’ll get lucky too when your body is blasted with a healthy dose of lethal radiation. Superhero movies are big business right now, so start dreaming up a cool name and costume design. Something like, “Glowing Skeleton Corpse Man” has a nice ring to it.