SATIRE: New recycling initiative launches on campus

Money to be spent on underused textbooks instead thrown directly in the trash to save paper

A student prepares to engulf $200 of worthless textbooks that will never be used in class in flames rather than lugging them around.

A new recycling initiative on campus is saving trees and the mental stability of students.

With the launching of the “Save a Tree, Burn a Hundred Dollars Program,” Ferris students can now conveniently dispose of their money without actually taking home the textbooks that they’ll never use.

“I went into the university bookstore looking for my sociology and english textbooks, but all they had was an industrial incinerator, a paper shredder and a trash can to throw my money into where the books should’ve been,” Bolowitz said. “I figured it was a great deal, because now I don’t have to lug those heavy textbooks around!”

Bolowitz was able to throw away $427.37 of textbook money without having to suffer through the agony of actually purchasing a textbook and never using it in class.

Students aren’t the only ones benefitting from the new recycling program.

“We’re so excited about this initiative because it’ll save approximately a kazillion pages of worthless textbooks that you’ll never even crack into,” Ferris bigwig Leonard Leidner said. “It’s way more environmentally-friendly to just Google all the answers to your homework anyway.”

It’s estimated that more than $115,000 have already been destroyed as part of the program, which campus administrators were surprised to find is actually a federal crime.