SATIRE: Ferris adds new intramural sport

Coming to a crowded parking lot near you

Ferris automotive engineering sophomore Gabe Steekil racked up 60 points in one afternoon by damaging the cars of four fellow students.

Are you looking for a new, extremely costly sport to enroll in on campus that is sure to piss off anyone in your way? This commonly known carnival game is coming to campus at an all new scale. 

Ferris State victims of the current parking situation present the newest intramural sport commonly known as Real Life Bumper Cars (RLBC for short). 

This is not the first time in Ferris State history that this sport has been endorsed by students in parking lots. The inspiration behind this sport is essentially wreckless parking. 

The aim of the sport is simple, drive around crowded lots at any time of day, but preferably not when there are campus police around. Wherever you see a spot that you can pull into, park as recklessly as you can and smash into surrounding cars with profound power. 

The point system revolves around how much damage the other car receives. The point values add up. 

The points are distributed as follows:

10 points: Scratching of paint, denting of hood or other parts of car, and ruining of the grill.

– 20 points: Crushing of the headlight or any damage done to the windshield.

– 30 points: Any interior damage and ripping off a bumper. 

Bonus points are awarded for those who manage to not get caught. That is essentially the one rule with this game. 

The other rule is that you may not hit people or animals while playing the game. The only thing that may be damaged are cars. 

Ferris 12th year undecided major Eloh S’sa says, “I was never really one to play sports, or have respect for anyone else or their property. When I found out that this sport was happening in the lot where I already have a pass, I thought it must be some kind of coincidence.” 

Students can easily sign up for the sport by buying a parking pass to any of the already crowded parking lots on campus. Everyone in the lot is involved in this sport whether they want to be or not. This is not a team sport. 

Some students are outraged and confused that this is becoming an intramural sport. 

“The fact that this sport exists is disgusting. I just got a brand new Maserati for my birthday and I’m really scared I’m going to get hit one of these days. I guess I will just have to play the game anyways and run into people before they run into me,” Ferris undecided senior Lrig Eno said. 

The official start date for the sport is Wednesday, Nov. 1, at 1 a.m. Expect the campus police to be there because this article is in the newspaper. It is the hope of all insurance companies that all students participate so that they can make rates go up. 

Get ready to have a lot of explaining to do to your parents.