SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

“As an incoming freshman at Ferris, I keep getting lost on campus. I tried using the campus map in my planner but I found it to be extremely confusing! What should I do?” 

-Lucas the Lost 

As a freshie, you have two options: play helpless or fake it ‘till you make it. 

If you play helpless, be sure to wear your Ferris shirt and a lanyard around your neck with your ID attached to it. I would also suggest stuffing your backpack with school supplies so it resembles a turtle shell on your back. Then, stand in the middle of the sidewalk and be sure to block all longboarders and bikers. Eventually, someone will take pity on you and tell you where to go. 

If you decide to fake it till you make it, act like you know exactly where you are going, pick a classroom that looks good and just sit down. It might not be your class, but no one learns anything the first week anyways. 

Or, you could just not go to class. 

– Woodbridge 


“I just finished moving into my dorm and registering for classes. Now how do I get rid of my helicopter parents?” 

-Impatient Ivan 

I regret to inform you that you cannot simply ‘get rid’ of your helicopter parents. I might attempt changing your name, getting a new phone number and changing all your social media passwords (you know they have them). 

If that doesn’t work, get a fake passport and move to Bermuda. 

But, more than likely, you’re screwed. 

– Woodbridge 


“My senior year started a month ago and I already have senioritis. How can I cure it?” 

– Senior Stephany 

You can’t. 

– Woodbridge


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