SATIRE: Purpose of Ferris Science Complex Chiller Plant uncovered

Strange, ambiguously named building on north side of campus investigated

Seriously, did they just randomly choose four words out of a dictionary to name this place? What do these words even mean together?

Anyone who has ever wandered past Ferris’ Science Complex Chiller Plant has surely wondered what mysteries lie within the strange building. 

Several faculty members within Ferris’ College of Arts and Sciences have been ensuring that the facility lives up to its name. 

“One time I was walking around behind Williams Auditorium after my morning lecture and I noticed this big, empty building that looks like a rundown storage shed,” introductory chemistry professor Miguel Haineswidth said. “I knew right then that this would be a wicked place to bro down with the other profs.”

Haineswidth and several of his fellow coworkers holding doctorate degrees renovated the plant, turning what was once an ambiguously named, seemingly pointless building into an HGTV-inspired man cave.

The building now holds three couches, several mounted televisions and a fully-stocked bar made of reclaimed shiplap.

“We used to just get plastered in the Dean’s Office, but this is so much better. It’s called a chiller plant and it’s perfect for that. There’s actually a bunch of cooling equipment and stuff in there. It chills those cold-activated Coors mountain cans the perfect shade of blue so that we can get the perfect shade of drunk during our office hours,” Haineswidth said.

At press time Tire Fire reporters noted the sound of thumping bass and shouting emanating from the chiller plant, where a sign reading, “No undergrads allowed,” now hangs on the front door.