SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

“With Halloween coming up, how do I wear my slutty nurse costume without judgement?”

– Slutty Sofia 

Halloween is the one time of year that people can dress in slutty costumes and not get judged for it—a life lesson I learned while watching this movie on Oct. 3rd about girls who were mean or something. Plus, if you want to beat the competition on Instagram and Snapchat, you’re going to have to objectify yourself like all the other women your age. But, if you’re truly worried, I suggest burning the costume and dressing up as your grandmother. 

– Woodbridge 

“I’m soooo excited for Halloween but also I’m like, terrified because once it’s over I’m scared that cafes are going to stop making pumpkin spice lattes. IDK if I can get through the semester without them like I can’t even. What do I do?”

– Basic Brittany 

Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done to prevent the disappearance of these coffee drinks you love so much. However, you can keep the spirit alive by buying extra plaid shirts and another pair of Ugg boots. Deep breaths, the peppermint mocha is just around the corner.


“I want to go trick or treating but I’m afraid that, since my latest growth spurt, people will laugh at me or slam the door in my face. Do I have to make a choice between being embarrassed or being candy-less?”

– Constantly confused Chase 

Now that you’re in college, you have to start playing the system. The objective is to get a child to go with you. If you can’t find one, kidnap one; it is Halloween after all. Go from door to door with this child and no one will have the guts to deny you candy. If this is unachievable, I believe you can obtain candy for less money the day after Halloween at every store ever. 

– Woodbridge 

“Last year, my roommate and I went to seven Halloween parties over the weekend. When we got home, he crashed on the couch and slept for three days. How do I prevent that?”

– Nate the Nerd 

The overly drunk roommate scenario is not uncommon after Halloween weekend. I usually stay passed out for about a week but I’m a lightweight. I recommend that you put your couch on the neighbors’ lawn so that when he inevitably passes out, it’s their problem, not yours. 

– Woodbridge