SATIRE: Reduce, reuse, reincarnation

Water filling stations on campus come with unexpected consequence

Keith Salowich

An effort to reduce plastic water bottle use on campus has people screaming “H2-oh no.” 

Ferris began installing refillable water stations in buildings all over campus in 2012 in hopes of reducing the amount of plastic water bottles ending up in landfills. However, the measure may have been too effective. 

“Now that there is no need to make hydrocarbon-based plastic water bottles, the natural oil deposits beneath Big Rapids are turning back into the dinosaurs that they were synthesized from,” Ferris evolution professor Mike Mulargis said. 

Triceratopses, brontosauruses and many other species of once-extinct reptiles have resurfaced to wreak havoc on campus. 

“If only we had known the terrible costs,” Ferris physical plant manager Biff Butler said. “These dinosaurs and the ensuing lawsuits have been a way bigger headache than a couple hundred tons of plastic that will never break down in the ecosystem.” 

The dinosaur population has been especially concentrated around the Rock Cafe, where the prehistoric reptiles are devouring scraps of food and the student body indiscriminately. 

“It’s actually pretty sweet. Sure, my suitemate was carried off by a pterodactyl on the way to class yesterday and I now live in constant fear for my life, but I’m a big ‘Jurassic Park’ fan so this is like a dream come true. Or a horrible nightmare come true. Definitely one of those two things,” Ferris biochemistry sophomore Marty Sweener said. 

At press time, the velociraptors were learning how to open doors with their claws and—oh God, they’re getting into the newspaper office, please send help.