SATIRE: Off the Record

Campus exploits that aren’t necessarily illegal or reported to DPS but probably should be

Midterm blues

Oct. 17, 2 p.m., a Ferris English professor promised her students there wouldn’t be a midterm exam only to assign a 10-page essay in its place.

OK, fuck you especially

Oct. 18, 9 a.m., a female student slowly walked the length of the Business parking lot with her keys out but didn’t actually leave.

Psycho therapy

Oct. 19, 8 a.m., a male student willingly walked over the vent outside of Hallisy Hall and enjoyed it. The student was admitted to a psychiatric ward in a remote location in northern Michigan.

Missing mascot

Oct. 20, 9 a.m., Brutus goes missing… Just kidding, we won’t put you through that bullshit again.

Anchor down

Oct. 21, 4:30 p.m., the Grand Valley State Lakers have their six-point lead robbed from them with 15 seconds left to play in the fourth quarter. Suspect was last seen by 7,400+ witnesses wearing a #7 crimson and gold jersey.

Loner out to lunch

Oct. 22, 12:30 p.m., a male student sat at the Quad Cafe by himself at a table meant for six people.


Oct. 22, 11 p.m., a female student refused to go to Shooters with her roommates again. The student was referred to the Office of Student Conduct.

Passive-aggressive anger

Oct. 23, 1 p.m., a female student added “lol” to the end of a text to her messy roommate who failed to do the dishes for the fourth day in a row in order to mask the bitchy undertone of the message.

10 cents per page

Oct. 24, 8 a.m., FSU charges thousands of dollars for tuition and overprices books at campus bookstore, yet still charges students for printing at the library. 

My truck is bigger than yours

Oct. 24, 6 p.m., a fight broke out between students gathered at Lot 62 over who’s truck was the most obnoxiously loud. The five male students who started the fight were last seen (and definitely still are) wearing camo and chewing dip.