SATIRE: Naked and afraid

Local Tinder party matchup gets spooky

A young man was found unconscious on main campus early morning on Oct. 21. The nude student was identified as Ferris biology junior Peter Dodgenson. 

Dodgenson was found unconscious by Ferris pre-pharmacy senior Fiona Frost on her daily jog before classes. She reported the incident and Dodgenson was transported to the hospital to check for frostbite injuries.

“I was running by myself when I saw that someone was laying on the ground. It wasn’t until I got close enough that I realized he was stark naked and asleep. My eyes are scarred to be honest,” Frost said.

Dodgenson was questioned about his nudity by the authorities after receiving medical attention due to cold temperatures. Dodgenson was attending a party with a group of friends before leaving to meet with his Tinder date. After leaving Shooters, the details became hazy to Dodgenson.

“I met with this really hot girl and we were going at it at her place. I had the time of my life. I don’t really remember what happened after that. Something grabbed my leg in the dark outside and I thought I made it back to my dorm room,” Dodgenson said. “I have no idea where my clothes went.”

Dodgenson was ghosted by his date, literally, as no one on campus has come forward knowing the woman from his encounter or recollect a person on Tinder who matches the physical description given by Dodgenson.

“I don’t know, maybe the ghost in Alumni has a female friend and I had a really trippy night. I did drink a lot of Fireball at Shoots before meeting that chick,” Dodgenson said. “It’s not the first time I’ve been thrown out of a house sans clothes but usually I remember why.”

Dodgenson was referred to the Office of Student Conduct because of his public nudity.