SATIRE: Traffic tickets up 1,000 percent

Between rolling through stop signs, running bicyclists off the road and unnecessary honking at 3 a.m., students were baffled when Ferris’ Department of Public Safety decided to crack down on the hooliganry that’s been invading campus. 

“One second, I’m flipping through Facebook on my way to class and the next thing I know, I’m being pulled over for driving recklessly,” Ferris education freshman Mitzy Fitzgerald said. “Since when did texting and driving become an issue? I totally glance up every minute or so.” 

With a whopping 37 tickets, Fitzgerald has unveiled her plan to take DPS to the courts of Judge Judy to plead her case. 

“They won’t get away with this,” Fitzgerald said. “I’ve already made a Prezi stating all the ways students should be practicing their multi-tasking skills.” 

Unlike Fitzgerald, Ferris automotive junior Brian Beets is all for the new rules. 

“These whippersnappers are far too stupid to be on the road,” 21-year-old Beets said. “It’s about time someone laid down the law. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been flipped off for driving 25 miles-an-hour. People need to get a grip.” 

Beets has tried to protest driving before by yelling, “driving is bad, stop making me mad” on a megaphone. Finally, realizing nobody listens to a guy with the last name of a vegetable, Beets teamed up with DPS and came up with a reasonable solution. 

“We were wracking our brains for the last 20 minutes thinking about what all students have in common and then finally, it hit me,” Beets said. 

To help students better practice their ability to stop at stop signs, mini Starbucks carts are being installed at every stop. 

At press time, students were spotted sitting through stop lights, creating the biggest traffic jam since last Thursday.