SATIRE: Lifelong dream

Student finally clears all phone notifications and graduates after four long years

A new scientific study confirmed that if you don’t have at least this many notifications on your phone right now then you aren’t leading a life worth living.

Graduating from college is a pretty big milestone but it doesn’t hold a candle to what one recent Ferris alumna is calling the greatest accomplishment of her life. 

Kathy Bickels graduated from Ferris with a bachelor’s degree in marketing last winter and has since landed a rewarding career at a marketing firm in Grand Rapids. However, she’s most proud of the fact that she finally cleared all of the notifications on her phone for one fleeting instant. 

“Finally, after all those late nights of scrolling on my phone then setting it down only to immediately unlock it again to check Twitter, I caught up,” Bickels said. “There were no texts, no missed calls, nothing happening on my social media posts. It was a moment of pure zen.” 

Bickels manages a variety of social media accounts, multiple email accounts that have received nothing but Hot Topic and Club Penguin spam since 2009 and an amateur fashion blog. As a result, her phone almost never stops vibrating with push notifications. 

“We’re just so proud of her accomplishment and have been telling everybody,” Bickels’ mother Claudia Bickels said. “I mean, when she turned 16 and opened that Instagram account, I didn’t think she’d ever clear her notifications completely but look at her now! Plus, she graduated pretty recently so that’s nice too, I guess.” 

Bickels’ younger brother, who is midway through his freshman year at Ferris, looks up to his sister and one day hopes to emulate her achievement. 

“I tell my younger brother that I’m no hero. It just takes hard work and perseverance. Just make sure your phone screen is the first thing you see in the morning and the last thing you see at night. Keep scrolling through lectures while you’re professor is talking. And NEVER miss an opportunity to scroll behind the wheel, like when you’re at a red light, stuck in traffic or just driving less than 55 miles per hour,” Bickels said. 

At press time, Bickels was hard at work sending a photo of her bedroom wall and minimal text to several Snapchat friends with whom she had maintained a meaningless Snap streak.

Click here if this story was about you. Then seek professional help.