SATIRE: We cracked open a Student Government suggestion box… Here’s what we found

This Student Government Suggestion Box is perched, unlocked, on a wall downstairs in the Science Building. Look inside yourself. It’s actual contents are a lot more vulgar than what’s mentioned here.

Ferris’ Student Government wants your feedback and they’ve long hoped to collect it through submissions to scattered suggestion boxes throughout campus. Most of these boxes are locked up tight but Tire Fire reporters have cracked into one. 

Check out some of the suggestions Bulldogs are leaving for student government!

1. A suggestion that the student government president only communicate to the public through Twitter rants in an effort to mirror national policy. 

2. A pile of dead spiders.

3. Four Bitcoins.

4. A series of additional student government suggestion boxes packed inside one another, each a bit smaller than the last. 

5. A single written ballot for the 2015 Student Government President election. Had this one write-in vote been counted, it would’ve increased total voter turnout by 20 percent that year. The written-in candidate was “Deez Nuts.”

6. Several unanswered prayers.

7. A cat that’s either alive or dead.

8. FSU President David Eisler’s Christmas list for Santa, which includes a new clarinet and more state funding for the school.

Click here if you sometimes forget how to breathe.