SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

“OK, before I tell you this, I need you to swear to secrecy because I live in the dorms and am definitely breaking the rules with this situation. Deal? I guess I’ll just assume you agreed. Anyway, as mentioned I live in the dorms — on the third floor of Ward Hall to be exact — and my pet recently escaped.

Normally this wouldn’t be a huge deal but I haven’t been able to find him for about three days and he’s probably getting hungry. Oh and he’s an eight-foot Burmese python with a taste for human flesh. I thought I could flush him out by also releasing my colony of pet centipedes and tarantulas but no dice. Anyway, what should I do?”

– Wackjob in Ward

I… I don’t even… What?! OK, let me think for a second… I think you’re on the right track, but the biggest problem is the bait you’re using. The snake won’t come back home for a plateful of lousy bugs, but he might come back if you’re willing to sacrifice that annoying freshman who’s way too into every housing event. Tie him up and ring the dinner bell “Jurassic Park” style.

If that doesn’t work, try using the sword of Godric Gryffindor to put that basilisk down before it can cause too much trouble at my school.

Oh and maybe try human social interaction next time you’re inspired to buy some freakish hell beast to keep as a pet, you freak.

– Woodbridge

“I’m already stressing about Valentine’s Day because I know that my girlfriend is going to expect some huge romantic gesture and I know that I’m not creative enough to deliver. What should I do?”

– Ronnie the Romantic

Ah, I get it. This is all a euphemism. By, “some huge romantic gesture,” you mean a decent performance in bed for once and by, “I’m not creative enough to deliver,” you mean you can’t sustain a boner and have never heard of a clitoris.

Here’s my advice: don’t even try. If you treat your girlfriend to a good time on Valentine’s Day, she’s going to expect to be treated like you actually care about her all the time. Do you know how exhausting that is? I mean, I bought my wife Hellen Ferris flowers on her birthday once and it ruined my life. I had to name a whole dormitory after that woman! Then it got torn down! Just get your sweetie accustomed to the fact that you’re a scumbag and hope that she sticks around with delusions of, “changing you.”

– Woodbridge

“What’s your catchphrase?”

– Just Mike

Don’t slip slop on my bang yang unless you’re going to trifle with the sluffies.

– Woodbridge