SATIRE: Chasing a dream

Unathletic Ferris student to forego remaining years of NCAA eligibility to make $12,000 per year working at a gas station

One Ferris student is making the inspiring choice to leave Ferris and chase his dreams. 

Ferris plastics engineering sophomore Nathan Cubbers is choosing to forgo his remaining years of NCAA athletics eligibility to pursue a career working at a gas station in his home town. 

“It was a tough choice to hang up the cleats for good but the fact that I’ve never played any organized sports and have never actually owned cleats has made it a bit easier to cope with,” Cubbers said. 

Cubbers will be selling off his 200-level textbooks, breaking his lease and crushing his family’s dreams of watching him graduate in favor of earning up to $12,000 per year working a cash register. 

“I really think my one-and-a-half years of higher education are going to come in handy working at the Stop N’ Fill,” Cubbers said. “My gen-ed speech class should help me sell more cartons of cigarettes and lottery tickets than anyone else and my boss has this incentive program for exactly that. I can get a $25 bonus each month!” 

Cubbers’ manager was unavailable for comment, as he was dealing with an, “emergency situation” in the gas station bathroom after a fleet of truckers rolled through town. 

Head coaches of every one of the 15 recognized varsity sports and athletics administrators at Ferris were confused and enraged when reached for comment on Cubbers’ decision. 

“I’ve never heard of this kid in my life. He’s definitely not an athlete so why is this at all relevant to me? Why would I or anybody else involved with athletics care if this kid wants to throw his aspirations away to work a part-time job? Please leave my office immediately,” Ferris State Athletic Director Perk Weisenburger said. 

At press time, Cubbers was seen trying to hang his framed Budweiser poster in his childhood bedroom alongside his dinosaur toys and race car bed.

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