SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

Keith Salowich | Demo 64

Submit questions to fsutirefire@gmail.com for a chance to see Woodbridge N. Ferris give you personalized advice!

“I’m looking for a book recommendation. Do you have any for me?” – Bookworm Bill

Yeah, how about you read your textbook before lecture for once? Who am I kidding, you won’t do that. Even if it is listed as a requirement in the syllabus.

Anyway, if that doesn’t work for you, try out the book of my quotes for you to live by. They’ve got copies of it in the library but you’re really better off getting your own copy on Amazon. I get a cut of all sales and you’ll be able to refer to my genius anytime you want. Total win-win.

I’ll give you a little sneak peek in case you’re still on the fence. Tighten your shoelaces, because I’m hitting you with the quote that leads off chapter nine. “Please never defame nor sully my name by satirizing me on a monthly basis in some abhorrent psuedo-advice column.” That’s a real doozy, eh? Anyway, buy now and leave a nice review or you’re kicked out of my school!

– Woodbridge

“What is it like to be Woodbridge Ferris? Walk me through a day in your life.” – Curious Cathy

I wake up, smoke a bowl, then usually watch cartoons for a while. Sometimes I put on a bow tie, sometimes I never get out of my sweats. Y’know, the usual stuff.

– Woodbridge

“I’ve been having this argument with a group of my friends for hours. I can see both sides but I really just want someone impartial to weigh in on it so that we can settle this once and for all. It’s of the utmost importance. Should a hotdog be considered a sandwich, or is it something else entirely?” – Frankie the Foodie

I’m going to pitch you not an answer but an entire philosophy. Yes, a hotdog is a sandwich. Just as coffee is a soup, lasagna is a cake and sushi is a burrito. Nothing is as it seems and reality is just a projection of your own mind. Don’t believe anything. Throw away your TV. Live vicariously through garden snails. You are the pope. 

This guy must be stoned on another level to devote hours to something that dumb, so I gave him the only answer that will make sense in his current state.

– Woodbridge

“Can I get a birthday shoutout!?” – [Name redacted]

You may not.

– Woodbridge

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