SATIRE: From the bathroom stall

Verses penned by Ferris poets and later discovered scrawled on bathroom stalls around campus

“A Very Honest Love Poem”

The night we met, your eyes were shining

You said “I’m so drunk that I find you attractive” while throwing up and whining

Frankly, you aren’t even my type 

But I’m lonely and you actually live close to me back home, I won’t gripe

We don’t have similar goals

You seem insecure, I guess that’s cute since on my face I have seven moles

For you, I lower my expectations

But you’re a decent kisser, so to myself I say, congratulations

I guess I could use the company

I mean, very few girls find me attractive, really not many

I’ll break up with you in a few weeks

I won’t even cry over you, no tears will escape my eye, not even a few leaks

Will I actually trust you?

Ha! No way, not even in a year, definitely not even two

Why should I be in a relationship then?

Because I just want a distraction from my own problems, when?

Right now!

I’m not waiting for my dream girl, no how

Anyways, we’ve been together for 3 weeks, you should totally come over tonight

Don’t worry, I don’t even care about you enough to want to fight

“A Ferris State Haiku”

There’s never parking

Snow and ice won’t cancel class

Don’t call it a dorm

“Welcome Home”

My roomate doesn’t knock

He’s always intruding

My suitemate is next door

I can hear him screwing

This concrete block home

Cold and unforgiving

Lacks any creature comfort

Even air conditioning

How much am I paying

for this 10 by 10 cell?

My loan debt is mounting

While I suffer through hell?

At least I’m not alone

The RAs are quick to point out

There’s a program in the lobby tonight

I’m skipping that, no doubt

Are we children or adults?

Stop forcing friendship on me

I’ll throw a sock on the door

If it means you’ll leave me be

At least it’s a place to lay my head

I guess I can deal

Wait never mind, what the fuck?

ANOTHER fire drill?!

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