SATIRE: Blazed and confused

Big Rapids covered in mysterious fog on April 20

A thick, fragrant haze hung over all of campus beginning Friday morning, April 20, and persisted until a light wind dispersed the fog and pushed a slew of munchie wrappers toward the outskirts of town.

Friday, April 20, marked a strange day for the Big Rapids community. The town was covered by what was originally assumed to be a thick fog that smelled vaguely of skunk with a slight hint of Fruity Pebbles. A sample of the fog was collected and further investigation revealed it was 68 percent marijuana smoke and 32 percent vape fog. 

Ferris music industry management junior Theodore Williamston was seemingly unphased by the smoke cloud. 

“Oh shit, I didn’t even notice! That’s lit man,” Williamston said, then scurried off towards the river at 4:15 p.m. 

Tire Fire reporters were unable to interview any other students as they were either hiding inside from the smoke or hotboxing their cars. 

Reporters were able to catch up with Myrna Jenksing, a community member, and get her thoughts on the fog. 

“I’m revolted. This better be some natural phenomenon and not some dumb college kids smoking the devil’s lettuce. Something needs to be done. That’s why I’m taking my son out of town for the day, this fog is making him sick!” Jenksing spoke of her teenage son whose symptoms consisted of bloodshot eyes and a permagrin. 

Ferris State Department of Public Safety was out in full force trying to control the chaos. They had multiple stations set up with bags of chips and bottles of Mountain Dew to try to catch the perpetrators. “It’s the munchies that get you, that’s why we’re out here like this,” Ferris criminal justice senior Jacoby Christen said, who works for DPS. 

Fortunately for some, the fog subsided for the most part Friday night but for some reason the cloud remained around Oakwood apartments until Saturday night. 

Reports indicate that all the snacks in Big Rapids have been purchased and subsequently consumed during the fog. Walmart manager Brayleigh Jackson was shocked to see the snack aisles completely empty. 

“We make sure to stock enough snacks to feed the entire town for 12 weeks, I cannot understand how this happened. That fog really made people act weird. I saw two guys fighting over the last bag of Cheetos.”

Click here if you can handle the truth.