Rising from the ashes

Big Rapids residents cautiously exit underground shelters as fnal students clear from campus

Torch Staff

Big Rapids residents are cautiously making their annual trip back to the surface after spending the past nine months underground to avoid dealing with college students. While the extensive underground shelter system that lies below downtown Big Rapids lacks certain amenities like running water, electricity and natural sunlight, it more than makes up for its shortcomings by enforcing a strict ban on college students. Now, as the majority of Ferris students clear from campus, Subterranean Big Rapids citizens are excited that it’s finally safe enough to emerge from their shelters.
“I wasn’t sure the whole family would see this day. Nights grew long and rations ran short as those savages above ground destroyed our city,” Big Rapids resident Synthia Torpor said. “We thought about leaving the bunker around St. Patrick’s Day for a supply run, but students were getting up to get trashed at 7 a.m. so it would’ve been far too dangerous.” Big Rapids residents have established procedures to deal with the few, scattered students still on campus to work summer jobs or take summer credits at Ferris. “A whole pack of college students can be dangerous, but when it’s just one or two they’re easy to deal with. You just mention the fact that they spent the past year in a near-constant state of intense
anxiety while diving thousands of dollars deeper into debt and they STILL won’t be able to find a job after graduation. That always helps to dispel them,” Torpor said. Citizens of Big Rapids aren’t the only ones looking forward to students leaving Ferris State, however. Ferris environmental biology sophomore Ben Saultzy is stuck in town until after his micro exam on Thursday, but is looking forward to leaving. “I can’t get out of here fast enough,” Saultzy said. “The other day I looked out my window and there was just this horde of filthy people wearing camouflage who looked like they just crawled out of a hole. It really freaked me out.”