SATIRE: Horror-Scopes

Exactly what you would expect from Tire Fire

Illustration by Torch Staff
  • Aries: March 21- April 19. Get out now, while you still can
  • Taurus: April 20-May 20 You will change your major six times until you settle on one that you could’ve taken at literally any college anywhere.
  • Gemini: May 21-June 20 You will spend your entire college career binge watching Netflix in your room and then the rest of your life saying “College is the best four years of your life!”
  • Cancer: June 21-July 22 Everyone cries in college. You’re not special
  • Leo: July 23-Aug. 22 You’re the reason there’s a rule against phones in class. Thanks a lot, asshole
  • Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22 Your parents will never be proud of you.
  • Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22 My ex-boyfriend is a Libra so just fuck you in general.
  • Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21 All your classes will have cumulative final exams for the rest of your college career. Grad school, too.
  • Saggitarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21 You’re never going to graduate college. Better find a minimum wage job. I hear Taco Bell is hiring.
  • Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19 This month is not looking good for you. You’ll probably shit your pants at least twice
  • Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18 The stars tell me you’ll switch your major to PGM and everyone will hate you forever.
  • Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20 Your parents are going on vacation once you move in. They’ve been waiting for this day for 18 years.