Ferris scrambles to save its a$$

Looming, ominous, mysterious budget cuts finally revealed

Illustration by: Torch Staff

To combat big budget cuts—upwards of 10.5 percent—over the next four years, the administration has gone to drastic, but creative, measures. One of the most significant changes will be that commuter parking spots will now have a 30-minute time limit before Department of Public Safety meter maids start handing out yellow slips of paper. They hope to make enough money off of this endeavor to fund a couple faculty salaries. “What’s the point of me buying a $100 parking permit then?” Ferris marketing junior Dixie Normous said. “All my classes are on Mondays and Wednesdays, all day. So, what, I’m going to have to go out and move my car ten times a day and in the middle of class? That’s cheeks, man.” Another cut to be made will involve resident hall utilities. Halls will only have running water on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays and electricity will shut off promptly at 11 p.m. “Honestly, I’m pretty fucking pissed,” Ferris communications freshman Justin Sider said. “I mean, North Hall sucks already I can’t believe they’re limiting our water and electricity. I pay so much money to stay on campus and it might just be better to be homeless.” It’s been speculated that they might as well just take apart North Hall and return all the materials and get back their $28 million. Students will also be charged for
study rooms at $5 per hour at FLITE and obnoxiously loud students—especially on the third floor—can be fined for noise complaints. “I am personally think the changes to be made will be effective,” Ferris Vice President Jerry Scoby said. “We honestly all just sat down and brainstormed more ways to bleed our student body dry and make them hate Ferris even more.” Custodial staff will also face changes in the coming school year. Positions will be cut down to one custodial staff position per building and staff will be required to bring their own cleaning supplies bought at a Ferris cleaning supplies store that will open on campus this summer. “We realize that with this cut, buildings may only get entirely cleaned once a month, but what’s more important? Clean buildings or paying all our tenured professors who wouldn’t retire when we put out our incentive?” Ferris President David Eisler said. In an effort to combat food waste, students will be charged with another meal swipe after their first plate at the Rock and the Quad and there will be staff at the exits to search backpacks to ensure students don’t take food out for their friends. Every fry, quesadilla and egg roll will be accounted for. And finally, the last cut to be made will be the defunding of the damn newspaper, which will barely make a dent in the budget cuts to be made, but it will be a welcome change all the same.