SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

A stupendous advice collumn

Keith Salowich | Demo 64

Submit questions to fsutirefire@gmail.com for a chance to see Woodbridge N. Ferris give you personalized advice

  • What advice do you have for incoming freshmen?” – Freshman Fred
    • Take 18 credit hours, everyone does. Also you’ve been going to school early for 12 years so 8ams are your best friend. They’re ‘dorms’ not ‘residence halls’ Also wear your lanyard around your neck, it’s cool. – Woodbridge
  • “What can’t I bring into the dorms?” – Goody Greta
    • A will to live. Also anything fun. – Woodbridge
  • “What kind of pet should I get for my new apartment?” – Puppy Pete
    • If you want to be woken up at 3 a.m.: a cat. If you want your roommates to hate you: a dog. If you ‘re a psychopath: a snake. If you have no friends: a fish. – Woodbridge
  • “What is there to do in Big Rapids during summer?” – Bored Brad
    • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA absolutely nothing. – Woodbridge
  • “I’m looking for a real college relationship, do you have any advice?” – Lovesick Laura
    • You don’t find relationships in college. You find boys that want to take you home, have mediocre sex with you and then never talk to you again. Honestly, you’ll probably never find love. – Woodbridge