SATIRE: Think thin

The consequence of stress snacking

Illustration by: Torch Staff

Students breathed a sigh of relief as exams concluded Friday, May 4, only to be met with an even more stressful time—swimsuit season.

From speedos to bikinis, many on campus are finding themselves with a little more “junk in the trunk” after spending a year indulging on all you-can-eat pizza and hamburgers from the on-campus food establishments. “Next year, I don’t care what my mom says. I’m not getting the unlimited meal plan,” Ferris psychology freshman Sheila Phillips said. “And whose idea was it to allow meals-to-go at the Quad?” Phillips can be seen Friday nights at the Quad, filling her to-go container to the brim and hiding the remaining food in her overly large summer shoulder bag. When questioned about her actions, she began to sprint in the other direction, only to be winded five seconds later. “Freshman 15? More like freshman 27—who knew?” Ferris general education freshman Amelia Chase said as she munched on her daily 5 p.m. donut.
Chase was another student who was ambushed, not by the food establishments, but by the dangers of stress-eating. “My friends and I went swimsuit shopping at Rue 21,” Chase said. “But when I got there, nothing fit. I ended up having to go to Wal Mart.” Chase hid her head in shame as she, like many others, spent her past few weeks cramming for exams. She said she averaged four hours of sleep per night and lived on coffee and vending machine food. “I’m thinking about suing Ferris for holding exams so close to swimsuit season,” Chase said. “I mean, they should know we have no self-control when it comes to free stuff.” Now that exam week has ended, Chase and many other students are out at the bars celebrating their triumphs and drinking away those below-average exams scores. “Who cares if the bathing suits don’t fit? There’s just more of me to love,” Ferris love guru Geoff Barnacles said as he downed his eighth beer of the night. “Besides, you can’t drink and get fat. Everybody knows that.”