SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

“How can I drag myself out of bed in the
mornings so I can make it to all of my 8 a.m.s?”
– Sleepy Sam

First of all why did you take 8ams? Rookie mistake,
but not the end of the world. Here’s the deal.
You chug Red Bull like it’s water and you’re an eel or
something like that. It’s easier to go to class on a
caffeine high rather than groggy. Don’t sleep, that’s
the secret.
– Woodbridge

“How do I maintain my relationship with my
girlfriend while she’s at MSU on a cheerleading
scholarship and I’m here? I love her very much
but I don’t have a car to go visit her.”
– Heartsick Hank

Well, to be frank with you, Hank, your cheerleader
girlfriend is probably getting railed by most
of the football team. Especially since you’re here
because you’re not smart enough to get into MSU.
Unless you’re packing some serious heat down
there then you’re probably SOL buddy.
– Woodbridge

“How do I tell my parents that I don’t want to
come home every weekend?”
– Loner Louis

What kind of degenerate are you? Your parents
are probably going to be DEAD soon. If you don’t
go home every single weekend then you are the
worst son ever. I don’t care if it’s a fourteen hour
drive home, you do it out of necessity for a shower
with decent water pressure and laundry you won’t
have to pay for.
– Woodbridge