SATIRE: Petty Pepsi

Pepsi sabatoges College of Business in display of dominance over Coke

The Business Building was plagued by a heat wave this August. It has been reported that temperatures inside the building reached a whopping 200 degrees. Coke cans became bombs that painted the walls in caramel.

The incident has been declared an accident but employees and students alike are unsure that’s the case.

Business Building student worker Elise Greenhouse said in an interview that she saw four men all dressed in blue leaving the boiler room and get into a white van that had Ferris State written on the side in what appeared to be orange Sharpie.

“It was strange, they were looking around acting super guilty. I’m pretty sure they were the same guys who installed the Pepsi machine yesterday. They were asking me really weird questions about why we all were drinking Coke. It didn’t seem too out there until I saw them come back in with obvious fake mustaches. Once they left it started to get really hot. I think this whole thing has something to do with them,” Greenhouse said.

Pepsi was obviously unavailable for comment, as most multi-billion dollar corporations are.

University President David Eisler was, however.

“I told you all not to switch drink providers. I knew this was going to happen, but nooooo, no one ever listens to the old man with the clarinet. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, Pepsi is trash, just like all of you. Now stop asking me for comments on conspiracy theories. I should’ve defunded this joke of a paper years ago,” Eisler said