SATIRE: Horror-scopes

Aries: March 21-April 19
Someone will take your unassigned seat in class like
some kind of psychopath.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
Your commuter pass was a waste of $100.
You’ll never find a parking spot.

Gemini: May 21-June 20
Avoid Gypsy on Wednesdays. No one wants to hear
your rendition of “Sweet Caroline.”

Cancer: June 21-July 22
Nap during all of your free time. Trust me,
you’re not missing much.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
The stars really don’t have anything to say to you this
month. You should apologize.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
This month is not looking good for time
management. You’re going to sleep through all
your alarms.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
For the love of God, please take a shower. The
stars don’t want to smell you anymore.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
Stop going home with people you meet at
Shooters. You’re going to get an STD.

Saggitarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
The stars say you’re going to get struck by lightning
this month. They want you to get it on video.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
Stop asking people for pictures of their feet.
It’s weird.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
We all know that your emotional support parrot is just
a pet.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
You have a face for radio.