SATIRE: BREAKING: PRESIDENT EISLER GONE MISSING

He’s not just being a bad president. He got abducted, so chill.

Torch Staff
Daily Eisler video diary discovery shows possible connection between the president and aliens.

After canceling nearly all of his public appearances this semester, many students and faculty are wondering why President David Eisler was MIA.

But all the evidence from anonymous sources points to one explanation: aliens. Practically no one has seen Eisler since his appearance at Rec
Fest on the first day of classes—Eisler was even absent from his office during the two sit-ins the faculty held in his office. The only contact faculty and staff have had with him is via email, which obviously was written by his secretaries to stall the inevitable revelation of the truth.

“I’m not really supposed to tell you this, but officers found mini crop circles in Eisler’s backyard the morning after Rec Fest when he didn’t show up to his office,” a Ferris Department of Public Safety officer said. “His wife had completely lost her memory and didn’t even know who Eisler was. Our best theory is aliens.”

Clearing witnesses’ memories is the most common MO of aliens, according to RealHistoryFacts.com. That, combined with the crop circles, leaves no other explanation. The negotiations of faculty contracts are not moving forward because Eisler told his team that he was the only one allowed to make decisions and was then kidnapped by extraterrestrial beings.

The attorney hired by the university continue to desperately stall until Trump’s Space Force can find Eisler. Though many would call this wasting students’ tuition, it is imperative that the president be found, according to Ferris Vice President Jerry Scoby.

“You know, I really kinda feel bad wasting student tuition like this,” Scoby said. “But the university really has to find the president. What else would we do with his $68,500 bonus for the year?”

Most students who heard the news were more excited by the notion of aliens kidnapping their president than disappointed at his sudden disappearance.

“I mean, I’ve always believed in aliens, but this is the first time anything has ever confirmed it,” Ferris biology sophomore Dixie Normous said. “It’s frickin’ bats, man. Our school is literally going down in flames. I guess I should transfer.”

Other students looked to take advantage of the situation.

“So, like, if the president’s gone, does that mean I don’t have to pay my tuition?” Ferris business management senior Mike Litoris said. “If we don’t have to pay Eisler, then that’s what, half a mill taken out of the budget, so I bet I could get away with it.”

The university is giving the Space Force a month to find Eisler before they give up and just hire a new president. Keep your fingers crossed.