SATIRE: Interview with a zombie

It's like Interview with the Vampire, but somehow worse

Q: So, tell me a little bit about yourself.

A: Well first off, I’m fucking dead, if you haven’t noticed. My name is St. Jimmy, but you can call Brain Daddy.

Q: …Okay, “Brain Daddy,” would you say your death was traumatic?

A: It was traumatic, but not nearly as brutal as Ferris getting absolutely fucking rekt by Duke.

Q: What are you doing in Big Rapids?

A: I was on the search for some brains, hoping to find some good ones on a college campus, you know? But then, I realized your entire university is stocked full of business majors and guys in dirty camo pants, and there’s nothing of substance or nutritional value there. Hard pass.

Q: How are you enjoying your visit at Ferris? What’s your favorite part?

A: At least it’s not GVSU, but it’s still a shit hole. I got the Chinese at the Quad and the first thing that went through my head was “I wish I could die again.” The upside was the shit vent. It made me feel right at home.

Q: What’s your skincare routine?

A: First, I exfoliate with a mixture of sand and dirt. en, I moisturize daily with the blood of the innocent. It’s just that combination that makes my face as smooth as Michigan roads.

Q: What’s your workout routine like?

A: I walk literally 100 miles every day and I eat like once every two weeks. That’s how I maintain this thigh gap and rockin’ abs.

Q: How do you feel about the political climate today?

A: I’m a real advocate for zombie rights. We deserve representation in the government too. Also, fuck that Trump guy. I wouldn’t even eat him, he’s that awful. I was very conservative when I was alive, but now that I’m fucking dead and I realized that organized religion was a hoax, I became more liberal. I’ve eaten enough brains to learn how to be a fucking decent zombie being.

Q: Ass or titties?

A: I’m an ass man.