SATIRE: Off the record

Campus exploits that aren’t necessarily illegal or reported to DPS, but probably should be

Test Torture

Oct. 27, 3:14 p.m., A finance professor schedules a test on Halloween like a fucking monster. Why are you like this? Who hurt you??

RIP Pike’s table

Oct. 28, 12:23 a.m., an intoxicated white girl was bet she could not dance on a table during a Pike halloween party.. To say the least, the table ended up in two pieces. Elevated surfaces stay undefeated.

Off-brand Adele

Oct. 24, 7:02 a.m., a student wakes up all his roommates who don’t have class until noon because he was singing “This is Halloween” obnoxiously loud while showering. It is unclear if the roommates are more upset about being woken up or their ears bleeding.

Just stay home, you monster

Oct. 25, 1:30 p.m., a student shows up to his English class sick af and coughs over everyone. At least seven students have reported to Birkam as a result with bronchitis. Halloween is ruined now thanks to you.

Costume catastrophe

Oct. 26, 11:57 p.m., a zombie-man scared a tooth fairy shitless because he thought she was his other friend who was also dressed as a tooth fairy. The girl slapped him in the face when he scared her out of instinct, so no other punishment was needed.

Ultimate Halloween horror

Oct. 27, 10:49 p.m., a student showed up to a costume party without a costume because they “don’t like Halloween.” Many dirty looks were served until the student finally felt awkward enough to leave.

Pumpkin spice psychopath

Oct. 31, 10:49 p.m., a female student showed up to a Halloween party dressed up as a pumpkin spice latte with a Fireball-spiked pumpkin spice latte in her hand. The overwhelming smell of cinnamon was horrific. Three casualties were reported. The offending student was referred to the United Nation for crimes against humanity.