Aries: March 21-April 19
Your professor will say there’s no final but make you come to class anyway
Taurus: April 20-May 20
Your signicant other may find your filthy ways charming but for the love of God, clean out your email.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
You think winter break will be a well-deserved vacation, but we both know you don’t deserve a vacation, and you only signed up for overtime to feed your fast food habit.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
Stress is at an all-time high. Luckily — oh wait. that’s it.
Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
Let the stars be the rst to tell you that nobody likes your cooking and the smell is horric.No more late- night munchies, please.
Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
You’ve discovered the perfect balance between procrastination and panic-induced adrenaline. Savor it because finals week is imminent and all your tests are cumulative.
Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
Your Mongo fortune cookie will have more meaning than your horoscope this month.
Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
If you leave your friends on “read” one more time, they are going to leave you. What’s more important, straight A’s or a social life? Think about it.
Saggitarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
A caffeine withdrawal only happens when you stop supplying your soul with jittery goodness.
Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
Dude, turkey season is over. Get a salad.
Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
I can’t believe you’re still playing Fortnite.
Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
You’ve received some exciting news lately, but don’t get your hopes up. It’ll never be allowed on campus.