SATIRE: Horror-scopes

Aries: March 21-April 19

Your professor will say there’s no final but make you come to class anyway

Taurus: April 20-May 20

Your signicant other may find your filthy ways charming but for the love of God, clean out your email.

Gemini: May 21-June 20

You think winter break will be a well-deserved vacation, but we both know you don’t deserve a vacation, and you only signed up for overtime to feed your fast food habit.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Stress is at an all-time high. Luckily — oh wait. that’s it.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

Let the stars be the rst to tell you that nobody likes your cooking and the smell is horric.No more late- night munchies, please.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

You’ve discovered the perfect balance between procrastination and panic-induced adrenaline. Savor it because finals week is imminent and all your tests are cumulative.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22

Your Mongo fortune cookie will have more meaning than your horoscope this month.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21

If you leave your friends on “read” one more time, they are going to leave you. What’s more important, straight A’s or a social life? Think about it.

Saggitarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21

A caffeine withdrawal only happens when you stop supplying your soul with jittery goodness.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19

Dude, turkey season is over. Get a salad.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

I can’t believe you’re still playing Fortnite.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

You’ve received some exciting news lately, but don’t get your hopes up. It’ll never be allowed on campus.