SATIRE: Intoxication Station

Students rally for a warmer drunk walk to Taco Bell

It’s that time of the year again, folks: the weather is starting to change and the warmth of weather starts to fade away. Sidewalks start to get icy and everyone is reluctant to break out the winter coats and accept defeat.

That’s where a group of students called the Students For Heated Underground Sidewalk Transport System Coalition (SFHUSTSC) come in. The SFHUSTSC is lobbying for a system of underground sidewalks between Shooters, The Gypsy Nickel, Taco Bell, and McDonald’s. They hope to evoke sympathy from the community so they will contribute to their GoFundMe.

“It’s getting too cold to walk to Taco Bell from Shooters! It was fine when it was warm but now it’s cold and I am so not wearing a coat to the bar.” Ferris business administration sophomore Bayhleighanne Cooper said.

In a press conference on Monday, Nov. 19, chairperson of the SFHUSTSC board Hunter Down said in a speech that they will fight for warm sidewalks, no matter what it takes. He then very gracefully leaned over and vomited all over the DIY stage that he made out of a wobbly beer pong table.

The press conference was followed by a march to the city of Big Rapids Human Resources coordinator Martha Stuart, said in an interview, “I have absolutely no idea what’s happening. Who are these kids? Why are they all drunk?”

University President David Eisler was unavailable for comment as he has still not returned from his alien abduction. Critics of the SFHUSTSC are worried that the student’s rally will shine an unfavorable light on Ferris students.

Tire Fire reporters caught up with Maria Smart, a realistic studies junior, to ask her thoughts were on the movement. “This might actually be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in Big Rapids. We don’t need an underground tunnel system, we need smarter students. Winter happens every year, just take a damn coat to the bar. It doesn’t even weigh a pound, you’ll live.”

The SFHUSTSC wanted to link their GoFundMe, but they were too drunk.