SATIRE: In memoriam

Marley – Clever Girl

1996 – 2018

At approximately 1 a.m. Saturday, Nov. 24, Marley, 22, died in a hit-and-run vehicular accident in front of Star Shooters in Big Rapids.

The investigation of the accident is ongoing. According to bartenders, Marley consumed a considerable amount of liquor in the aforementioned establishment before her demise.

She was previously spotted at Gypsy Nickel undergoing the death sauce hot wing challenge before onlookers attempted to stave off her self-destructive spiral.

After downing an indeterminate amount of Irish Car Bombs and tequila shots, Marley was seen pushing past a crowd of townies before the fatal collision.

Eyewitnesses believe that she saw Jeff Goldblum across the street and ran into the road without looking for traffic. Her last words were “Life, uh… didn’t find a way.”

Her dying wish to be cremated and put into an hourglass to always remind her brother to go to class on time is still pending.

In lieu of flowers, Marley’s friends ask that you make a purchase at your local convenience store or brewery and get ripping drunk at home with someone you love and contemplate life and the bottomless void that is Big Rapids.

Additionally, all of Marley’s friends will be asked to gather at a local coffee shop, to be designated in the future, to have a cup of Joe and read her unfinished novels and hastily scrawled jokes that will never see the light of day.