SATIRE: Christmas horrorscopes

What the stars predict you’re getting for Christmas

1. Aquarius: An MP3 player from KMart… What year is it?

2. Pisces: Yearly subscription to the Tire Fire

3. Aries: Floppy Disk from Grandma

4. Taurus: A different color as the same thing your sibling got. (It’s not as cute as when you were 5)

5. Gemini: Self-help book from your parents

6. Cancer: Orange in your stocking

7. Leo: Literally anything you needed in December that your mother considered a Christmas gift

8. Virgo: Actual coal

9. Libra: Community college application

10. Scorpio: Toys Я US gift card

11. Sagittarius: Lipsmackers lip gloss

12. Capricorn: Motorola RZR