SATIRE: Home for the hellidays

Winter break is almost over, and many of you spent this time squeezing back into your childhood bedroom that your mom has turned into a Pure Romance office, sleeping in a bed that is now unfamiliar and quieting down at 8 p.m. when your parents go to bed, because they’re old as shit. Whether fortunate or unfortunate for you, break this year is a whole month.

Luckily, there were a handful of Tire Fire reporters still in Big Rapids at press time. They were able to communicate through pigeon with some students who had retreated to their hometowns, which are really just cornfields with a schoolhouse and a Wendy’s.

When asked why she had gone home after her single exam on Monday morning of finals week, Layleigh Werbenmanjensen, probably a business freshman, replied, “I. Just. Couldn’t. Wait. To get home and bake Christmas goodies with my fam and spend time with all my nieces and nephews! It’s soooooooo boring at school. No one wants to meal prep with me!”

We could not hear firsthand from Tire Fire reporters who returned home for this break, as no one has seen or heard from any of them in days. To the loved ones of those reporters, we send our condolences.

On the other end of the spectrum is Bridget Cherrypicker, a finance junior who is regretting her decision to spend an entire month in her hometown. “I have a curfew! I’m 21 years old and I have to be home before 10 p.m. My parents wake me up at 7:30 every morning. I have to do chores again. I’m having PTSD flashbacks to high school. I love my parents, I really do, but there’s a reason I moved out.”

How did you spend your winter break this year? Are you suffering at home with your weird uncle or are you enjoying the sounds (or lack thereof) of an empty apartment?