SATIRE: Boarding up his burrow?

Or flashing his goods for another day?

As resolutions become old news, students are ready for their next thing to complain about as the snow blanketed Big Rapids Tuesday evening, Jan. 22.

“I can’t believe there’s so much snow in winter,” Ferris psychology freshman Jo Phillips said. “And to make matters worse, my roommate just told me that Groundhog’s Day is coming up and that this ‘snow’ thing could last even longer.”

Groundhog’s Day, according to Phillips, is a holiday where everyone invades the space of a groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil and everyone is concerned with whether he sees his shadow.

“Apparently, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter, but if he doesn’t, then I can already start planning my spring vacation,” Phillips said. “I do feel kind of bad for the guy though. I mean, I know I wouldn’t like someone dragging me out of bed at the crack of dawn in the middle of winter. That’s why all my classes don’t start before noon.”

While Phillips finds a special connection to the groundhog, Ferris public relations junior Amanda Rogers feels a little more hostile towards the woodland creature.

“I swear to God, the groundhog has an agenda and it’s to make me miserable,” Rogers said. “Nobody needs six more weeks of winter, and yet he always seems to see his shadow on those bright, sunny days. I mean, how rude. Doesn’t he know students are trying really hard to not get sick here?”

Rogers finished the interview by readjusting her leggings, buttoning up her cardigan and walking out into the latest snow blizzard to hit Big Rapids with her Starbucks hot cocoa to keep her warm.

Phil almost declined an interview, but agreed, as long as he could have it from the comfort of his burrow.

“I would’ve come to you, but it seems everywhere I go, people are bombarding me,” Phil said. “Do you know how many emails I receive daily from people telling me I better not see my shadow this year?”

Phil confided that this is the first year he’s ever heard of Groundhog’s Day, and that before now, he was always curious as to why people were so hostile towards him.

“Last year, I was fast asleep when suddenly a bunch of hands were in my burrow, pulling me out and flashing me to the world,” Phil said. “I didn’t even have time to get dressed. It was so embarrassing, and to top it all off, when they saw me, a bunch of students boo’ed. Talk about not good for the ego.”

Phil admitted to considering going on strike and boarding up his burrow for good, but the thought of bullies winning is something he would never allow.

“Students are pissed at me when, in reality, it’s not my fault your sidewalks aren’t salted,” Phil said. “So, I’ll continue flashing my goods every February. Why not? Everyone else does.”

Phil is scheduled to make his appearance 7:25 a.m. Saturday, Feb. 2, on a television near you.