SATIRE: Classifieds

Watch me sleep

I am seeking a fellow student to sit with me on Mondays and Wednesdays as I nap in FLITE. I work late hours and don’t get much sleep but have a two-hour period between classes that I had planned to nap during. However, while I was asleep last week my accounting book magically disappeared. is has prompted me to search for someone to watch me while I nap and defend my belongings if necessary. I can pay you in friendship and meal swipes. All applicants accepted! Email saltynsleepy@ if interested.

ISO waitstaff for private study session

Greetings! Here we have four top-notch gentlemen searching for a few experienced servers for a two-hour private study session. Females preferred, all considered. Must be 18+ and have an open mind! Payment to be discussed upon selection. Contact for details!


Serching for smart person to halp me with my ENGL 311 homewerk for the rest of a semster. Ideial writer will b descrte & have already tooken this techniceal writing class.! Pls txt @ 867- 53089 if u can halp meee. Ask fer Jenny!

Read this if you saw me poop

I think I met the love of my life in the men’s bathroom stall of Shooters. She was beautiful, dark haired, and very, very drunk. She has a laugh like music and I can’t get it out of my head. If you walked in on a skinny blonde dude last Saturday night at the bar, and he said “Hey there beautiful” before you laughed and ran out, please call me! My number is 555-867-7821. Because we had this very awkward encounter, I feel like our relationship has already made it to a whole other level and I would love to take you out on a date. P.S. sorry about the smell, I had mongo for dinner.

My name is Indigo Montana. You stole my fish. Prepare to die

To the immature mother FU#KER who stole my betta; GIVE HIM BACK!!! I live in North Bond and I left my door unlocked last week, and when I came home my whole fish bowl was gone! That little betta was the single ray of light in this dreary shit hole of a dorm room, and I would like for you to return him to me ASAP. You know where I live. If Jerry and his bowl are not back, unharmed, by THIS FRIDAY, I swear, you better watch your back. Liam Neeson is my step-dad so I can use his quote. “If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my fish go now, that’ll be the end of it.”