SATIRE: Horror-scopes

The stars are sick of lying to you. See how they really feel in this Tire Fire exclusive column!

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

Valentine’s Day is on the horizon and, unfortunately, your Tinder dates will all be busy that evening.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

Your Outlook email will self-destruct at the most inconvenient time.

Aries: March 21-April 19

V-day has the chance of becoming VD-day. Wear a condom.

Taurus: April 20-May 20

Your roommate will nd your stash and threaten to turn you in. Sharing is caring.

Gemini: May 21-June 20

Your “easy A” courses will become “easily pulling your hair out” courses by the end of February.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Start practicing your “graceful fall.” I see black ice in your future.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

Everyone will judge you if you buy yourself chocolates for Valentine’s Day.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

You’re going to sleep through all your alarms during the week, only to wake up early on your day off.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22

Your perfectly OK life will be interrupted by an ominous horrorscope.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21

It’s the middle of winter. Put on a coat.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

You’ll binge-watch the entire season of “You” on Netix, only to nd out there’s only 10 episodes.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19

You’ll be stuck with “that kid” in your upcoming group project.