SATIRE: Off The Record

Minor problems

Jan. 18, 9:15 p.m., a freshman texts their 21-year-old friend and asks them to buy them alcohol for the party that night. Sorry kid, they’ve been drunk since 3 p.m. at FAC.

Hypothermia isn’t worth looking cute

Jan. 18, 11:57 p.m., a girl was seen outside of Shooters in a skirt shorter than my patience waiting to get in the front in the hopes that they’re still letting minors in. Just put on some jeans like the rest of us next time, Becky.

I came in like a wrecking ball

Jan. 21, 1:47 p.m., a student slipped at the top of the hill at the entrance the Starr Building and slid down it, taking out five other students in the slush. No students were injured but all were ready to fight the perpetrator.

We all feel ya, man

Jan. 22, 9:55 a.m., a student trying to find a parking spot in the Business Building lot was cut off by a car who sped up to whip into the last close parking spot, nearly causing an accident on the already snowy pavement. The student called the Department of Public Safety in rage but was informed no actions could be taken since nothing actually happened.

Desperate times…

Jan. 23, 1:12 p.m., a girl received an overly creepy text from a guy she gave her number to at the bar the night before as a result of a severe case of beer goggles. She tries to let him down easy but he just doesn’t get the hint. Rather than deal with rejecting him, she decided to buy a new phone and get a new number.


Jan. 25, 8:14 a.m., students’ hopes were dashed to the ground when their professor showed up to lecture 14 minutes after their class time. Some students were already walking towards the door to leave when he showed up and everyone in the class collectively groaned at the sight of their professor.


Jan. 28, 12:14 p.m., four female roommates tried fixing their broken faucet on their own and it ended up exploding in their faces and flooding the bathroom.

Catching some zzzs

Jan. 28 2:51 p.m., student sleeps through every single alarm they set and is still exhausted when they arise from the depths hours later, bleary eyed and disoriented.

Snow day shenanigans
Jan. 28, 4:20 p.m., two male students were ticketed for hotboxing their car in the Rock parking lot. Not a bad plan guys, just bad execution.

Monday darty?

Jan 28, 10:30 a.m., all liquor stores in Big Rapids have sold out of alcohol due to the first cancellation of Ferris classes since the Jurassic era. Party on, Garth.

Tire Fire reporters got bored decided to get a pizza instead of finishing Off the Record. We’d offer you a slice, but we ate it all. So enjoy this picture of a duck we found on the internet: