SATIRE: Eisler 2020

Eisler for president?

Ferris President Dr. David Eisler has announced his candidacy to run for U.S. president in the 2020 election.

Dr. Eisler, whose doctorate degree is in Clarinet Performance, has been the president of Ferris since 2003 and announced his bid in the U.S. presidential election Jan. 23. His announcement, which came via video message from his office, featured Eisler, his family and a surprising clarinet rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.

“Aer 16 years of serving as the president of Ferris State University, it is time for me to pursue a greater calling, one that elevates my role from leadership over the faculty and students of a university, to leadership over this great country. My time spent leading Ferris, creating a better university and atmosphere for the people of the community, has prepared me for this monumental task. So, it is my great pleasure to announce my independent bid for the 2020 presidential election,” Eisler said, while a recording of him performing the national anthem played quietly in the background.

After his video was released, Eisler was asked about his platform and subsequently more about what makes him fit to run for president.

“It’s simple: when you look at the current administration, how Trump has been able to attack his own party and constituents, while somehow maintaining support from many voters and not being removed from office, I’ve done that. At Ferris, they know my track record,” Eisler said. “I’ve faced adversity in my position, my faculty hates me, voted no confidence in me two times, but look at me, still here. I strung along my workers for months, signed a contract, violated it a few times, still here. I’m exactly what America needs, someone who will really stick it to the people in the interest of making money and the bottom line.”

Eisler later elaborated on his platform, adding information about his views on minimum wage and healthcare.

“Eliminate the minimum wage. Eliminate Medicare. Again, you’ve seen my track record. People on the bottom should be paid as little as possible, I tried to do it with the Supplemental Market Adjustment at Ferris and it didn’t work, but I think as president I could eliminate minimum wage, which should come as a delight to businesses and maybe even universities. The same goes with healthcare. I wasn’t able to strip down my faculty members’ healthcare to bare bones, but it wasn’t out of the question. Why should a university, or worse yet, a country, have to help people? It’s disgusting.”

Many Ferris students seem indifferent to the idea of Eisler leaving Ferris. When asked about Eisler’s decision to run for U.S. president, Ferris welding technology junior Steven Lathem responded by simply stating, “Build the wall, Trump 2020.”

Ferris Faculty Administration (FFA) President Charles Bacon said that the FFA has pooled its resources to prevent Eisler from extending his reign beyond Ferris and into the Oval Office.

“We looked at our liquid assets and did some crowd funding, and I’m really happy with the results. We should have enough money that, even if there are another seven or eight people entering the race, we should be able to donate about $3,000 to the campaigns of every single person running against Eisler. I don’t even care, put Trump back in office. Anyone but Eisler,” Bacon said.

Eisler has not yet released a statement on whether or not he will be returning to Ferris during the 2019-20 academic year during campaign season.